Taking A Break.

Sorry about the lack of posts! We haven't really gotten into a schedule yet, and so I haven't had time to blog. I've been thinking about it and I'm really trying to figure out why I'm blogging. I love to read blogs, don't get me wrong, but I think I need to figure out why I started in the first place, and if I want to continue doing it.

Until I figure things out, I want to just enjoy my life as a stay-at-home mom right now, and enjoy my little girl as she's growing up so fast!

Why do you blog? What keeps you going?

Five Weeks Old.

Miss Molly,

Well, five weeks ago right now I was getting a shower and breathing through contractions, wondering when you'd be making your arrival. Who would you look like? What color hair would you have? How exactly would your birth story play out? Now we know all those answers! One on side it feels like you were always a part of us, Daddy agrees. I know it sounds corny, but we were destined to be your parents. I already can't remember what life was like without you. But, on the other hand time has absolutely flown by. I was looking at newborn pictures this week while you were napping in my arms and I was tearing up looking at how small you were and just how big you are now! You've passed your one month mark, although I'm not sure when since you were born on the 31st and June didn't have a 31st day, so I guess that pushed it to July 1, but then will you turn 1 month and 2 months in the same month? That's confusing...

You're getting more fun now, and more awake during the day. You're a cat napper - if we're out, you usually only sleep for 20 minutes or so and then you're up. You must be a little busy body and nosy! If we're home though, there's days where I feel like you're sleeping all day long! We haven't figured out a schedule quite yet, but sleeping at night is going fabulously! Last night you actually slept from 10:30 until 4:45! I couldn't believe it! I'm going to ask the pediatrician at our appointment on Monday if that's okay for you to go that long without eating, but my instincts are telling me its alright. Usually you're in bed by 10 or so after a few feedings, and sleep until around 2:30 or 3, eat and back to bed until 5 or so, eat again and I bring you in bed with me after Daddy leaves and we sleep until at least 8, sometimes 9 or 10! Monday and Tuesday nights, after your 3am feeding, I put you in the crib before you totally fell asleep and you put yourself to sleep! Granted, it took about 20 minutes, but I never had to pick you up! You didn't cry at all, just moved around a little bit and eventually fell asleep! I was so proud!

I love when you're awake and alert during the day! I know you can hear us, and you usually can follow us with your eyes, too. You're kind of starting to smile and laugh, but I don't know if they're real smiles yet. I think so because before you'd smile when you were sleeping or in the process of falling asleep/waking up, but now it's more when you're awake. You're so happy in the morning, I love just cuddling with you and watching you move around and take in your surroundings. For the most part, you are a happy baby, only really crying when you're hungry and I don't feed you right away.

We had your first holiday yesterday - the 4th of July! It was pretty low key, we were over Grandma and Poppa's house all day long, after breakfast with Grammy and Pappy. You were pretty good for breakfast, that's the second time you went out to eat with us this week - the first was on Sunday with Uncle Billy. You were hungry both times, and from now on I'll remember to pump a bottle before we go so that we have it on hand for you to eat while we're waiting for our food. I gave you two bottles yesterday! With so many people at Grandma and Poppa's house and no chair in the corner to feed you, it was easier to just pump and give you a bottle, so that's what we did. I want to give you a few bottles a week anyways so that you can switch easily between bottles and nursing.

You and I took our first grocery shopping trip out alone! We ventured to Wegmans and Babies R Us. I took the Ergo and wore you at both stores and you were good! About halfway through Wegmans you started to get fussy and so I hurried up because I didn't know if you were going to cry, but once I gave you your pacifier, you were out and I poked around a little more. Between the Moby wrap and the Ergo carrier, I'm all set with baby wearing. I absolutely love being able to have you close to me and have my hands free. It's so handy! I think you like it, too, although I think you'd prefer to look around. I even get Daddy to wear you when we're out!

We've stopped block feeding, and your poops are normal again, so we're back on the normal eating on one side until it's empty, offering the other side, and switching sides for the next feeding business again. With some pumping/giving bottles thrown in there. I'm still pumping at night after the 3am feeding. I'm debating on getting an electric pump since I've been using a manual that we got free from the hospital. It's hard to justify spending that kind of money on something that I know I can't return if I don't like it. I don't mind the manual one, but I'm usually pumping for at least 25 minutes on each side, even after you eat, and that takes a looooong time at 3am when I could be sleeping. Daddy said he doesn't mind spending the money because it's something that I will most definitely need and makes my life easier. With all the amazon orders I've been getting, you'd think I wouldn't have a problem spending more money, but when it's something expensive that I can't return, I get nervous.

I'm anxious to see how much you weigh at your appointment on Monday. It makes me feel good that you're growing on breast milk alone, that my body can nourish you and give you everything you need. I remember that each time I look (with pride) at my stretch mark filled, fluffy mom pouch. I love it though, I really do. I'm so proud of what my body did! You're definitely growing though, you're officially out of newborn diapers, sadly, and your newborn pjs are fitting perfectly. I just keep remembering that your feet barely reached the footie part when we brought you home from the hospital. You're even filling out your swaddle now! It's hard to appreciate every day when I'm wondering what you'll be like in a month, or a year, or 5 years. What will you be when you grow up? But I'm trying really hard to live in the moment and soak up each moment.

I love you baby girl, and I love being your mommy!

Breastfeeding.

As I've mentioned before, I was more prepared for laboring & delivering my daughter than I was to breastfeed her. Well, not that I wasn't prepared, but I was more nervous. My aunt, mom, cousin and grandmother all had bad luck with breastfeeding. As I've listened to my mom, cousin and aunt's stories, I've tried to pinpoint what they did wrong. My cousin got too obsessed with how much she was making and how much her boys were getting. My mom was put on a nursing schedule of 6 times in 24 hours, four hours apart. I'm not sure what my aunt did, but I'm thinking that it was along the same lines as my mom, not feeding enough. I was determined to be different. I know that a low milk supply is not genetic and I so wanted to be able to nurse my daughter. I wanted to be the strong woman who would nurse in public, even if it was under a nursing cover, I didn't want to run away from parties to find a dark room where I was alone to nurse. That was the plan.

Then I had my baby.

Milk waaaasted

Don't get me wrong, things haven't totally changed, and I'm working on the nursing in public thing, well at least in front of my in-laws. The women I'm fine with, I have no problem whipping it out in front of them, but it's the males that I'm a little leary about.

Anyway, Molly did a pretty good job of latching on in the hospital, although I don't think her latch was deep enough, and that resulted in bloody, cracked nipples when she was just five days old. That led to me pumping the right side for 24 hours, and eventually ended up with us giving Molly a bottle, much to my dismay, because I was nervous she wasn't getting enough from just the left side. But that healed, we figured out a latch that didn't hurt me and I'd say we're pretty successful so far. I get nervous that she's not getting enough milk, but honestly, what mother doesn't wonder about that. She's growing, so I know she's fine.

But that initial week was hard. I'd even say the initial two weeks were hard. Each time I had to feed Molly, I would scrunch my face in pain and breathe through the pain. I thought I was just going to have to face the pain each time I'd feed her, and thought it was normal until my aunt came up and had the same issue - sore, cracked, bleeding nipples. She remembered the pain, the crying with each feeding, the pain, and it made me realize that I wasn't alone, and that this pain wasn't normal. But I will say, not once did the option of formula cross my mind. I have quite a few free samples that were given to me by the pediatrician and the hospital, but I never thought to use it. I'm glad I didn't because if I said something, I would think that Mr. Skinny would have agreed because he didn't like seeing me in that pain. Labor was different, that was expected pain, but breastfeeding pain was different. I knew it would be uncomfortable, but didn't know how much pain I would be in. But we survived though and I will say I love breastfeeding. I love the bonding time I get with my daughter. It's wonderful.

Onto the second issue - nursing wherever I am.

The first time we went to Mr. Skinny's grandma's house, Molly was passed out in the car seat for about 2 1/2 hours, so we let her sleep. Well, eventually she woke up and had her first blowout, and I had to change her outfit, so I was flustered from that. Then she was crying because she was hungry, so I went to Grandma's back room, the craft room to feed her on a folding chair. At this point, I was still using the Boppy, so not having a pillow and trying to feed her on a folding chair was really hard. So I got upset and started crying. It didn't help that we were feeding on the mega-boob side and Molly normally gets frustrated with that side anyway. I was a mess. Mr. Skinny was cutting grass without his cell phone, so I couldn't vent to him, I just had to deal with it myself. I kept thinking to myself, this is what I didn't want to do, run away from the party because I have to nurse. I bought a nursing cover for a reason, and I should be outside enjoying the family. I kept beating myself up, and I knew it wasn't the smartest idea.

So when Molly wanted to eat again, I got a receiving blanket out, and threw it over my shoulder to feed that time, which was better, but it was hot out! I could see the sweat forming around Molly's lips. I felt like an awful mother.

The next weekend I tried the nursing cover. Well, mistake one, we were on the mega-boob side again, and I couldn't really see what was going on under the cover. At one point, Molly unlatched and I had milk squirting everywhere. Seriously. I then swore I was never going to use the nursing cover again. I had been so adamant about breastfeeding - that's what boobs are for! Forget how our culture has sexualized them, their purpose is to feed our babies!

Yeah, until the next weekend where I was at a friend's party and Molly was hungry. I was smart this time though, we ate on the mega-boob before we left so that I could nurse on the left (easier) side at the party. I used the nursing cover. And it wasn't bad. I'm rather large chested, and I'm not really a fan of showing anyone the majority of my boob, even if my nipple is covered. If my chest was smaller, I might have an easier time nursing in front of people, but it's hard when you have so much boob!

I'm definitely proud of how far I've come. I'm very comfortable nursing around almost any women that I know, and certain males, too - Mr. Skinny (obviously), my dad, brother, and Mr. Skinny's brothers. I usually just give them a heads up when I hear them coming into the room I'm nursing in.

Now that Molly is 4 weeks old, I can pump and give her a bottle when we're visiting. But I feel like that's taking the easy way out instead of standing up for what I believe in. I know I have the right to nurse wherever I am, but it's hard to be okay with doing that. Since Molly's been eating every hour while she's awake, it's hard to visit family and "run away" to nurse her each time. Especially when you're going to visit family who want to see Molly. In a few weekends, our Saturday is packed - two graduation parties and Mr. Skinny's out of state family are all coming in to meet Molly and visit - I don't want to have to go hide each time Molly's hungry. So I've been toying with the idea of pumping and bottle feeding her, but I'm not sure how I feel about that yet.

Wow, sorry for the long winded post, but I wanted to put this all out there!

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Would you/did you nurse your babies in front of people? How far would you go?