Breastfeeding.

As I've mentioned before, I was more prepared for laboring & delivering my daughter than I was to breastfeed her. Well, not that I wasn't prepared, but I was more nervous. My aunt, mom, cousin and grandmother all had bad luck with breastfeeding. As I've listened to my mom, cousin and aunt's stories, I've tried to pinpoint what they did wrong. My cousin got too obsessed with how much she was making and how much her boys were getting. My mom was put on a nursing schedule of 6 times in 24 hours, four hours apart. I'm not sure what my aunt did, but I'm thinking that it was along the same lines as my mom, not feeding enough. I was determined to be different. I know that a low milk supply is not genetic and I so wanted to be able to nurse my daughter. I wanted to be the strong woman who would nurse in public, even if it was under a nursing cover, I didn't want to run away from parties to find a dark room where I was alone to nurse. That was the plan.

Then I had my baby.

Milk waaaasted

Don't get me wrong, things haven't totally changed, and I'm working on the nursing in public thing, well at least in front of my in-laws. The women I'm fine with, I have no problem whipping it out in front of them, but it's the males that I'm a little leary about.

Anyway, Molly did a pretty good job of latching on in the hospital, although I don't think her latch was deep enough, and that resulted in bloody, cracked nipples when she was just five days old. That led to me pumping the right side for 24 hours, and eventually ended up with us giving Molly a bottle, much to my dismay, because I was nervous she wasn't getting enough from just the left side. But that healed, we figured out a latch that didn't hurt me and I'd say we're pretty successful so far. I get nervous that she's not getting enough milk, but honestly, what mother doesn't wonder about that. She's growing, so I know she's fine.

But that initial week was hard. I'd even say the initial two weeks were hard. Each time I had to feed Molly, I would scrunch my face in pain and breathe through the pain. I thought I was just going to have to face the pain each time I'd feed her, and thought it was normal until my aunt came up and had the same issue - sore, cracked, bleeding nipples. She remembered the pain, the crying with each feeding, the pain, and it made me realize that I wasn't alone, and that this pain wasn't normal. But I will say, not once did the option of formula cross my mind. I have quite a few free samples that were given to me by the pediatrician and the hospital, but I never thought to use it. I'm glad I didn't because if I said something, I would think that Mr. Skinny would have agreed because he didn't like seeing me in that pain. Labor was different, that was expected pain, but breastfeeding pain was different. I knew it would be uncomfortable, but didn't know how much pain I would be in. But we survived though and I will say I love breastfeeding. I love the bonding time I get with my daughter. It's wonderful.

Onto the second issue - nursing wherever I am.

The first time we went to Mr. Skinny's grandma's house, Molly was passed out in the car seat for about 2 1/2 hours, so we let her sleep. Well, eventually she woke up and had her first blowout, and I had to change her outfit, so I was flustered from that. Then she was crying because she was hungry, so I went to Grandma's back room, the craft room to feed her on a folding chair. At this point, I was still using the Boppy, so not having a pillow and trying to feed her on a folding chair was really hard. So I got upset and started crying. It didn't help that we were feeding on the mega-boob side and Molly normally gets frustrated with that side anyway. I was a mess. Mr. Skinny was cutting grass without his cell phone, so I couldn't vent to him, I just had to deal with it myself. I kept thinking to myself, this is what I didn't want to do, run away from the party because I have to nurse. I bought a nursing cover for a reason, and I should be outside enjoying the family. I kept beating myself up, and I knew it wasn't the smartest idea.

So when Molly wanted to eat again, I got a receiving blanket out, and threw it over my shoulder to feed that time, which was better, but it was hot out! I could see the sweat forming around Molly's lips. I felt like an awful mother.

The next weekend I tried the nursing cover. Well, mistake one, we were on the mega-boob side again, and I couldn't really see what was going on under the cover. At one point, Molly unlatched and I had milk squirting everywhere. Seriously. I then swore I was never going to use the nursing cover again. I had been so adamant about breastfeeding - that's what boobs are for! Forget how our culture has sexualized them, their purpose is to feed our babies!

Yeah, until the next weekend where I was at a friend's party and Molly was hungry. I was smart this time though, we ate on the mega-boob before we left so that I could nurse on the left (easier) side at the party. I used the nursing cover. And it wasn't bad. I'm rather large chested, and I'm not really a fan of showing anyone the majority of my boob, even if my nipple is covered. If my chest was smaller, I might have an easier time nursing in front of people, but it's hard when you have so much boob!

I'm definitely proud of how far I've come. I'm very comfortable nursing around almost any women that I know, and certain males, too - Mr. Skinny (obviously), my dad, brother, and Mr. Skinny's brothers. I usually just give them a heads up when I hear them coming into the room I'm nursing in.

Now that Molly is 4 weeks old, I can pump and give her a bottle when we're visiting. But I feel like that's taking the easy way out instead of standing up for what I believe in. I know I have the right to nurse wherever I am, but it's hard to be okay with doing that. Since Molly's been eating every hour while she's awake, it's hard to visit family and "run away" to nurse her each time. Especially when you're going to visit family who want to see Molly. In a few weekends, our Saturday is packed - two graduation parties and Mr. Skinny's out of state family are all coming in to meet Molly and visit - I don't want to have to go hide each time Molly's hungry. So I've been toying with the idea of pumping and bottle feeding her, but I'm not sure how I feel about that yet.

Wow, sorry for the long winded post, but I wanted to put this all out there!

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Would you/did you nurse your babies in front of people? How far would you go?