why isn't there just an on/off switch?

I like to think of myself as seriously trying to get healthy. No lie. I eat all my fruits and veggies, I work out regularly, I've lost (almost) 23 pounds. So why can't I just be at goal. Why can't my body see that I'm trying really hard at this and just drop all the extra weight I'm carrying around. Sigh. Cause God didn't make our bodies like that...

Case in point: I had my first step aerobics class this morning where we actually did step. On the first day of class, the instructor asked us who works out on a regular basis:

I was the only one to raise my hand.

And I was proud to raise my hand. I'm taking initiative. I'm motivating myself. I have a HRM to take my working out seriously. I own gym clothes, real gym clothes. I sweat, and make the time in my day to work out. I'm proud of those pounds that I've lost.

2 more pounds and I will have lost an average 2 year old.

Today, when we all get our steps and I'm the first one there, ready to go, right in front. I look at myself in the mirror.

"Really? Is that what I look like? Man, my thighs are huge. Ugh, I look huge. I thought I looked decent in this shirt. Nope. I just look like an elephant."

I look around me and realize that I am one of the biggest people in the room. Seriously. I've lost weight. I'm smaller than I was, right? I sure don't feel like it.

I know that the picture is not me. I'm not that little, I have a good amount more weight to loose, but sometimes, that's how I feel. I think everyone feels like that sometimes.

Class goes on. It's not the end of the world. By the end of the class, I can count on one hand the number of times I messed up. I'm not saying that I'm smarter or more athletic than anyone else in the room, but I did it right. I got it.

I've made the life changes. Why can't I see it yet? I've lost weight, but I feel like I'm still at 180 pounds.

I almost feel like if I couldn't have seen myself in the mirror and wasn't required to look at myself for 40 minutes, I might not have noticed that. I only have 1 full length mirror in our apartment. I don't use it a lot because I don't want to see myself. It only helps that it has a giant crack in it and I can only see to my knees anyway. I don't stare at the mirror, I don't want to. It's just going to be hard to go through the 7 week class, and be okay with that reflection staring back at me.

My body should realize that I'm getting healthy and there's no going back. Why won't it just work with me and not against me? Sigh...

I'll keep plugging along.

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How do you deal with feeling bigger?

A Little Bit of Everything

I feel like I've been all over the place lately. I think knowing that the holidays are coming is totally messing with my mind. And the fact that DH just got a new job which we are SO thankful for, but don't know anything about. We don't know if we'll be able to go home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Years. We don't know if we'll be able to go away for our anniversary which is already planned and nonrefundable. A lot of things are just up in the air right now. As much as I love Christmas, I think I'll be happy when it's January and I can just relax and go back to normal. I don't even really know why I'm feeling like this. I'll be so bummed when it's January and the holidays are over.

I think a part of this, too, is my inflexibility with WW. I had my plan, I always have to have a plan, and something changes and I'm totally thrown off wack. I get so frustrated with myself if I fall off. Monday I was good all day, but then we found out the DH got a job, and he wanted to go out to eat, so that totally messed up my plan, and my WI on Tuesday. I didn't track it, but my week started over on Tuesday anyways, so what was the point of seeing that -30 points or whatever it would have been? I WI'd on Tuesday morning and went down 0.2 from last Tuesday, but I knew I could have done A LOT better. What did I track then? My WI from Friday. I know, I cheated, but I wanted to see that line go down.

I had a plan for Tuesday, too. I got up and tried to make oatmeal with pb and banana. It was TERRIBLE! I tossed the whole thing, so what did I do? I went to McDonalds and ate 17 points for breakfast. I tracked it, and moved on. At lunch, my friend gave me 2 cookies, and I ate them, even though I was full. In my afternoon class, someone made apple cinnamon muffins - I couldn't turn them down. I ate my planned dinner, which was delicious, and tracked everything.

Now I have plenty of points left for the week, kind of, but I'm going on a field trip this weekend, to Jamestown, VA. A bunch of the kids in my class are going to Christiana Campbell's Tavern. The only menu they have online is a summer menu, and I'm assuming it's going to change for the fall/winter, and they have no NI. We have to get our own lunch on Saturday and Sunday, and I'll have this tavern to go to on Saturday night. I'm nervous. I know it isn't about the food, it's about being social, but I want to stay OP so badly. It's really hard. I don't like not knowing what I'm going to be eating.

As I'm planning my dinners for next week, I don't know what I'm going to eat on Thursday evennig for dinner, or Friday, Saturday or Sunday. It's driving me nuts. I'm almost tempted to not track for a few weeks. I'll own up after Thanksgiving maybe, and then track until Christmas or something. But then I have my race the week after Thanksgiving and I'm sure I'll be walking the race if I eat whatever I want in the new few weeks.

Now this just hit me, the change. This new huge change that WW is going to be doing. I'm nervous about this. I like the way that it is now. I'm anxious, I guess, is the right emotion. I am SO not good with uncertainty. I like planning life, and I'm so terrible when someone throws me for a loop. It's bad, I know, and I shouldn't. I need to be more spontaneous, especially with the holidays.

I totally need to work on this. Anyone else like this?