I like to think of myself as seriously trying to get healthy. No lie. I eat all my fruits and veggies, I work out regularly, I've lost (almost) 23 pounds. So why can't I just be at goal. Why can't my body see that I'm trying really hard at this and just drop all the extra weight I'm carrying around. Sigh. Cause God didn't make our bodies like that...
Case in point: I had my first step aerobics class this morning where we actually did step. On the first day of class, the instructor asked us who works out on a regular basis:
I was the only one to raise my hand.
And I was proud to raise my hand. I'm taking initiative. I'm motivating myself. I have a HRM to take my working out seriously. I own gym clothes, real gym clothes. I sweat, and make the time in my day to work out. I'm proud of those pounds that I've lost.
2 more pounds and I will have lost an average 2 year old.
Today, when we all get our steps and I'm the first one there, ready to go, right in front. I look at myself in the mirror.
"Really? Is that what I look like? Man, my thighs are huge. Ugh, I look huge. I thought I looked decent in this shirt. Nope. I just look like an elephant."
I look around me and realize that I am one of the biggest people in the room. Seriously. I've lost weight. I'm smaller than I was, right? I sure don't feel like it.
I know that the picture is not me. I'm not that little, I have a good amount more weight to loose, but sometimes, that's how I feel. I think everyone feels like that sometimes.
Class goes on. It's not the end of the world. By the end of the class, I can count on one hand the number of times I messed up. I'm not saying that I'm smarter or more athletic than anyone else in the room, but I did it right. I got it.
I've made the life changes. Why can't I see it yet? I've lost weight, but I feel like I'm still at 180 pounds.
I almost feel like if I couldn't have seen myself in the mirror and wasn't required to look at myself for 40 minutes, I might not have noticed that. I only have 1 full length mirror in our apartment. I don't use it a lot because I don't want to see myself. It only helps that it has a giant crack in it and I can only see to my knees anyway. I don't stare at the mirror, I don't want to. It's just going to be hard to go through the 7 week class, and be okay with that reflection staring back at me.
My body should realize that I'm getting healthy and there's no going back. Why won't it just work with me and not against me? Sigh...
I'll keep plugging along.
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How do you deal with feeling bigger?
Wow, reading this, I could have been reading about myself!
ReplyDeleteA couple of years ago, when I belonged to a gym, this exact thing happened to me. Except that I wasn't working out regularly, and didn't do well with the moves in the class!
I just could see in the mirror that I was the biggest one there. :-(
Don't do what I did. Here's what I did: quit.
Luckily, shortly after that, I discovered the joys of at-home cardio (I got a Gazelle and a Nordic Track) but what if I hadn't? I could very well still be at my start weight. (or bigger).
You're doing so well! Keep up the good work. And thanks for sharing this. :-)