i'm SO ready

Feel like reading a rant? Good, continue on. Not in the mood for a rant? Come back later.

My whole life I've wanted to be a mom. No lie, I'm pretty sure my mom has it in my baby book at age 3 that I wanted to be a mommy when I grew up. When my mom had my brother - who is 4 years younger than me - and breastfed him, I would breastfeed my doll. I've always loved babies, I'm a baby magnet whenever I'm around them, and I love everything about them. Yes, even the poop-up-the-back, vomitting, crying occasions that happen.

I *know* what I have to give up when I have a baby; my sleep, my life, my job, my wardrobe, my body, just about everything. I truly don't think that I'm living in this optimistic world of mommyhood when I think the baby comes out smiling, never cries and doesn't poop. I know. I spend my free time researching cribs, and strollers, baby names and meanings and everything about pregnancy. I'm fascinated by it, all of it.

Now my cousin is pregnant with her second. Her first was just about a nightmare - colic, acid reflux, barely slept, a really hard first baby. I think I could deal with this, yes, it would be hard, but I have a good faith in God and could get through it. One of the ladies that used to work with me is pregnant, too. She came to visit today and it just set me over the edge. Another woman I work with has 3 kids, an older boy and a set of twin boys, and was telling the former-worker about everything, get an organic mattress to protect against SIDS, no flame retardent things, etc. and I KNEW THEM ALL! Former-worker didn't. Ugh. I am SO ready to start a family.

One of my problems with my job where I'm at now is that it's the same thing every day, and I'm so bad with that. I need change, and a child would be a change, every day different, watching them grow and develop a personality. Yes, I know there's schedule in there, but generally, it's different.

I'm married, I'm a good person, I'm motherly and always have been, I'm the nurturer. I want to have a baby to give grandchildren and great-grandchildren to my parents, in laws and grandparents-in-laws. The only problem is our debt. We have too much debt for me to quit my job and stay at home. It would be too hard for me to put my child in day care and not be able to see them all day, every day. I'm willing to give up going out to eat, and updating my wardrobe for that. I've researched cloth diapers, homemade baby food and breastfeeding. Mr. Skinny is so sick of me talking about babies all the time and complaining about wanting to start our family sooner rather than later.

We're ready, mentally, emotionally and physically, we're ready. We just aren't in a place financially where we could live off of one income yet and that is the only thing holding us back. It sucks.

End rants. Thanks for listening.

Any encouraging words?